Sunday, February 22, 2009

Can't Believe I Cried

I don't know what's come over me...must be getting old or something. Today I cried. I'm like an unbelievably tough old lady and I NEVER cry. But today I got to thinking about how much I miss Leo when he's gone, about how it is not so much fun without him here, about how I can't just pick up the phone and call him, and about how much I hate him being gone. And, I cried.

He took it pretty well. At first he called me silly, but then I saw tears in his eyes as well. He PROMISED me that he will do his next three, as we planned all along, then call an end to the whole madness. I am counting on that. I know that I will survive the next 6 months without any problems but the trouble is, I really won't enjoy them.

Now lest you think I'm a crazy, clingy lady, I have to admit that Leo and I have spent much of our married life apart. As a matter of fact, we've spent more time apart than almost any of our friends and family. Part of it was due to the rigors of shiftwork, part was due to the fact that we have worked miles apart for years now, and part of it because I have always been quite independent and have never been much of a "homebody". But, what we're doing now is different. You see, even though we spent a lot of time apart, it was always in little doses. Occasionally we would be apart a whole week. But now, a month? That is so hard! When I have no idea how long it will be before I hear his voice again (sometimes it is WEEKS!) I struggle. When I can't count on an email every day because of the inefficiency of the system where he is, I struggle. When I know that if something happens and I need Leo to be with me to handle it he won't be there, I struggle.

Tomorrow I'll be okay, I think. I have so much stuff waiting on me to do, I'll be busy for the next four weeks with no problem at all. That game plan of keeping busy will help me make it until the end of the long run ahead and in no time at all I will be back at the airport eagerly waiting his arrival. Tonight, however, as midnight approaches and I realize I have little more than 12 hours to spend with him, I dread what's coming. Wish me luck...I'll be okay. But honestly, I can't believe I cried!

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