Sunday, November 18, 2007

The Week I Wanted to Quit

I suppose I have one of these each semester. As a working woman, and a workaholic to boot, trying to pursue an aggressive college program, I guess it makes sense that it is just not possible for me to keep up with everything at once. This was the week that school was just so overwhelming, I was trying to find a way to quit and still be able to cut my losses. But, it didn't happen that way.

I suffered some major losses this week, there's no doubt about it. I made great progress in two jobs where I am working against some tight deadlines. But for school, I had too many assignments and just couldn't get them all done. I also did something I haven't done in a very long time by pulling a true "all-nighter".

On Friday, when I got home from work, I started in on one school project. I had been up since 5:30am and started on my homework at 5:30pm. I worked on getting the business plan brushed up, cleaned up, and updated until midnight. That's when I realized that something was missing and had to dedicate another hour to the effort. At 1am, I started working on an "Integrative Assignment" that involved some activities I was just not prepared (by any previous work history or by any resources I could get my hands on) to complete. I realized at 5am that I was not going to be able to answer the questions. This class only has three official "grades" for the semester, and this was one of them. In other words, I realized I was going to fail the class. In addition, I had three papers due for this class. I had already read all of the material and had my questions ready to put down on paper, but because I spent so much time trying to answer the one important assignment, I did not get them submitted.

At 5am, I took a one hour nap. You have no idea how difficult it was to respond to the 6am alarm, but surprisingly, I did it. Up and working on last minute items from 6am until the start of class at 8am, I began to get my second wind. The teacher's aide for the classes (one of my favorite people, by the way, straightforward, honest, and helpful in everything) let me know that class failure was not going to happen if I really had made an effort on the assignment. Although I trust her, I can't imagine what is going to happen about the combination problem with the "test" and the three missed papers.

The morning sessions were very interesting, and as always, I learned a lot not only from Dr. Martin's interactions with the class, but also from the online chat that occurs at the same time. By the time the lunch break rolled around, I had been up for a little more than 32 hours, with only a one-hour nap. I set my alarm for an hour later, so I could get up and be ready for the afternoon class, then went to sleep. I'm sure the alarm, and the snooze, rang over and over, but I do not remember turning them off. I had to watch the video of the afternoon session later as I slept through the whole thing.

I can't believe how difficult I've made things for myself. This is the week that I wonder what possessed me to keep going on my education. It is costing me so much money that everything I make working at two jobs full tilt is barely enough to keep me going. I pay back $700 per week (yes, that's right...per week) on one loan and $400 per week on another. We have two sets of bills, for the house and for the apartment, and a host of other little expenses. I just keep thinking that if I had chosen not to go to school again, I would have been able to pour this $50,000 into my house. It could be finished by summer without a doubt. On Thursday night, the night before the LONG one, I did something else I hadn't done in a long time, something I haven't done in years, actually, and cried myself to sleep.

Today, however, Leo came back to Houston to be with me, we watched a good movie that we have both seen before, and I realized that life is still good. Leo doesn't care that the house is not done and that we are not becoming wealthy. He cares that we get to spend time together and laugh. So, I'll see what I can do to salvage my losses this week, and try one more time to find the ganas to be able to finish this semester and get ready for the next. (¿Es obvio que he decidido practicar mi español un poco?) So, wish me luck, and be patient with me if you are having a difficult time getting in touch. I'm going to be okay, but it is still going to take a lot of time and effort to get from here to there. Tenga un buen día de dar gracias, y el dios le bendice todo.

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